Quotes by David Letterman

Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?

There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to-minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Items in President Clinton's Medical File: #5. Soreness in lower back from years of flip-flopping.

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.