Quotes by Fred Allen

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

Committee - A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.  

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.