Quotes by Jack Handey

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

I hope life isn’t a big joke,
because I don’t get it.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.