Quotes by Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes- and six months later you have to start all over again.

Oh, grow up!

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I'm Jewish. It don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, mostof all, fear.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.