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"I want my children to have
all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them."
- Phyllis Diller
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
