Quotes by Steven Wright

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand-new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here. Why don't you get into one of the cars out back?" So I did. And he was really into picking people up, because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. . . . If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song . . . the guy who wrote that, wrote everything.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.