Quotes about Funny

Growing old is inevitable, growing up is a choice.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

 Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times

"He had senile dementia and liked to go outside naked, but he could still do two things perfectly: win at checkers and write out prescriptions."

If you look at the map you're only an inch away!

Come, therefore, and let us fling mud at them!

You don't always need what you want, and you don't always want what you need.

You don't always need what you want, and you don't always want what you need.

"I'll fuck anything that moves!"

"Now it's dark..."

"Don't toast to my health, toast to my fuck!"

You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.

Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground... I would serioulsy consider fakin' it.

"I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals."

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch, Cooterville, Felchville, Dust Rag, Dough Bag, Uranus Ridge, Big Bottom, Hooter Holler, Quickskillet, Buck Wallow, Possum Strut … We always say a picture speaks a thousand words, but isn’t the opposite equally true?

Shut UP! An Ancient Mantra for Complete Happiness!  The Simple Truth Your Guru, Therapist and Grandmother Forgot To Tell You!  Shut Up! and Be Happy!

Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn’t it like taking a bite of something lovely? If only we could eat words.

Then I was eighteen again, literally, hitchhiking in a bewildering zigzag from Toad Suck Park, Arkansas, to Big Bone Lick State Park, Kentucky, to Hungry Mother State Park, Virginia, to Intercourse, Pennsylvania, through the Shenandoah Valley to Sweet Lips, Tennessee, and then on through the Bible Belt bound, as best I could tell, for Climax, North Carolina.

Welcome to the herd. You are now following the lead bull.

I was elected by the aliens to rule Earth.

Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

YOU'RE ONLY OLD ONCE.

I adopted a begging posture that suggested genteel poverty combined with a certain affable nonchalance. People found this irresistible. They lavished money on me. Within days I exceeded ten dollars an hour. I began to save money and even, following Blue’s lead, tithed to the less fortunate. I became less pessimistic, thought less about how cruel the streets can be. I actually considered begging a legitimate career possibility.

I’d never seen a leper before. To be honest I didn’t really believe in them. I’d always assumed they were just made-up Biblical characters like Jesus, God and Satan.

Nothing bonds two solitary individuals like a good shared drunk. This is a scientific fact. It’s important, even necessary for the long-term welfare of the planet to get good and s**t-faced with your neighbor every now and then.

...Just Keeping the Shit to Shoe level...

People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

The Folarians (such was their name) were a pacifistic people who believed in free will, free thought, free love, free land, free living, free rides, freeloading and freebies of all kinds. Bitter enemies of the Vegetarians, the Fruitarians (who lived exclusively on raw fruit), the Pietarians (or “New Fruitarians,” as they were sometimes called, who ate only raw fruit pies) and the Breatharians (who subsisted on air alone), the Folarians promoted a doctrine wherein eternal life was achieved by abstaining from all food sources save foliage—thus their name. Moreover, this foliage—whether leaves, stems or flowers—must already have fallen to the ground of its own accord. This way, eating only nature’s leftovers, the Folarians lived in perfect harmony with Mother Earth.

"I tried every trick in the book. I stood and begged, sat and begged, lay down and begged, begged on my knees. I drew little signs indicating I was unemployed, I was retarded, I was a starving artist, I was an orphan, I was deaf or blind or mute, I suffered from dengue fever, I had a broken heart. I changed locations and times. I faked whiplash, a fractured femur, an abscessed tooth. I moaned and groaned, gnashed my teeth and wailed as I sat impossibly twisted on the sidewalk. I even squirted ketchup swiped from a deli all over my jeans and complained of intestinal bleeding. But nothing, I mean nothing worked!"