Quotes about Humor

Mediocrity is no answer to violence. In fact, it probably invites violence. At least the mediocre and the violent appear together as in the old Western movies - the ruffian outlaw band shooting up main street and the little white church with the little white schoolteacher wringing her hands. To cool violence you need rhythm, humor, tempering; you need dance and rhetoric. Not therapeutic understanding.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

My grandfather was a Jewish juggler: he used to worry about six things at once.

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *

* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.*

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*

* Every path has a few puddles.*

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.*

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.*

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.*

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.*

* Always drink upstream from the herd.*

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.*

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.*

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*

* Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.*

If you bury your face in your tear-stained pillow and beg God to please send you your soul mate, may you not slur your words in such a way that they sound like "cell mate."

We all assume the worst the best we can.

There comes a time when you have to be honest, have to face your personal demons, have to throw away all your preconceptions and a priori visions of the world around you.

Fortunately, that time is not yet upon us.

Anywhere, anytime, I'd sacrifice the finest nuance for a laugh, the most elegant trope for a smile.

It's a fool's life, a rogue's life, and a good life, if you keep laughing all the way to the grave.

Silliness is next to Godliness.

(The original saying attributed to the American Protestant-religion Puritans in the 1600's is: Cleanliness is next to Godliness.)

Your poems are rather hard to understand, whereas your paintings are so easy.
Easy?
Of course — you paint flowers and girls and sunsets; things that everybody understands.
I never met him.
Who?
Everybody.
Did you ever hear of nonrepresentational painting?
I am.
Pardon me?
I am a painter, and painting is nonrepresentational.
Not all painting.
No: housepainting is representational.
And what does a housepainter represent?
Ten dollars an hour.
In other words, you don't want to be serious —
It takes two to be serious.

America is a vast conspiracy to make you happy.

                                            Muscle Man

     A husband and wife had been married for many years. The husband had long since passed his prime and rarely exercised. He still liked to think of himself as a handsome, well built man. One day, his wife touched his belly, which had expanded several inches, and said "Flabby".

     The man took this statement to heart and resolved to do something about it. He detested exercise. The next time he saw her hand move towards him he tensed his muscles. She didn't say he was flabby. Over time, the man developed the habit of tensing up whenever his wife's hand moved towards his body.

     One day the wife decided to test her husband.  She moved her hand towards his shoulder, he tensed up. it was rock hard. She moved her hand towards his arm. He tensed up there too, she giggled. She moved her hand to his buttocks, he tensed up there too. She giggled again. Her hand gently roamed toward the back of his thigh. He tensed up there too. She laughed.

Then, with a twinkle in his eye, he said "How do you like your muscle man?"

"I wish the man I was feeling was the man I was married to." She replied with a smirk.

I have heard it said that "Obesity is death by the fork"

I say it is worse than that. Obesity is suicide by silverware.
-- Arthur Tugman

Love and friendship and humour and ships at sea by night - there's all heaven and earth in a book, a real book I mean.

What this means is that children, homemakers, executives, farmers, and long-living persons can all have high ego strength and good mental health if they possess the courage, humor, and flexibility of equilibrium between their rational and metaphoric minds.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Everyone is the monkey in their own zoo, the clown of their own circus, the master of their own disaster!

Sometimes I wonder if God put you where you are just to laugh at the jokes he created.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.

Extra Virgin Olive Oil?  How is it Extra Virgin? Either you've done it, or you haven't!

Actually, I'm working under cover in the evil PR field to learn the tricks and use them for good. Next stop: non-profit work.

They are souls of small children.  (Me explaining how the flowers in my hair stay fresh. Then laughing hysterically at the expression on people's faces.)  

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch, Cooterville, Felchville, Dust Rag, Dough Bag, Uranus Ridge, Big Bottom, Hooter Holler, Quickskillet, Buck Wallow, Possum Strut … We always say a picture speaks a thousand words, but isn’t the opposite equally true?

"I'm not a man who constantly thinks up jokes. But I think it's very important to be able to see the funny side of life and its joyful dimension and not to take everything too tragically. I'd also say it's necessary for my ministry. A writer once said that angels can fly because they don't take themselves too seriously. Maybe we could also fly a bit if we didn't think we were so important."

If I had a penny for everything I love about you, I would have many pennies.

Life is not a tragedy, it is a comedy. To be alive means to have a sense of humor.

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.