Dear Kali: Confused in the Modern Conundrum
I’m so mad right now, sister. So mad. I’ve been seeing an incredible man about fifteen years my junior. He’s sweet, he’s kind, he’s epic in bed, but it’s nothing more than that. So, I’m pissed because I wonder why I can’t just enjoy it while it’s happening until another comes around? Such emotions are coming up around this…
I’m frustrated at the block I’ve created that keeps me from being able to just love to love, without expectation or finality or constraints or conditions…
Ahhh.. and there it is… how did I get stuck THERE?
I wrote a note to him to tell him how I wanted to value myself more and that I wanted it to be all or nothing… but it still didn’t feel right.
Why does it feel wrong to just have a lover?
Why does that have to grind on my valuation of myself?
Why can’t I just take this relationship for what it is and ENJOY IT?
Why does it have to be all or nothing?
It makes no sense. So it’s obviously not resonating anymore.
49 year old yogini, Confused in the Modern Conundrum in San Francisco
Dear Confused in the Modern Conundrum,
Sister, it sounds like you’re angry at yourself for being seduced by the Goddess within you who is dragging you away from the fairy tale most of us were raised by to instead simply experience the art of Love in physical form – without the trimmings and regulations imposed upon you in a conventional relationship. At least for now anyway.
The Goddess within you wants to explore the body: physicality; sex; sensuality; lovership. Without judgement, from yourself especially.
Is there any chance you can fall back into the sweetness, into what is right about having a lover? And simultaneously value yourself from this place? Is there any chance you can use this opportunity as a chance to explore this relationship for what it is, to see if you can find the sweet spot that is seeking to emerge through this union?
Living Authentically: Embracing the Warrior Goddess
Over thousands of years women have been subjected to the fairy tale of a knight in shining armor who will come and save her from the tower of impossibility and encapsulate her in the protective arms of he who will provide for her. This notion has defined what makes a relationship romantic in comedies for a hundred years. It has imposed upon women the tarnished brush of the moral belief that she shouldn’t have sex with more than one man in the same day/week/month/year/lifetime. And that she shouldn’t be with a man younger than her. This controversial route would deem her the towns Scarlet O’Hara! Many a plot thickens in moral question at this point. It’s a huge cultural shadow that still today runs deep through the blood in our veins – even when we consciously feel we are way beyond that.
The challenge with beliefs is that they run in the subconscious mind which is heavily and deeply influenced by a good and juicy story. Especially one that pulls on the strings of how one should and shouldn’t be in order to be loved and accepted. And, because the subconscious mind is the part of the mind that is beneath, or beyond, that which we are conscious of, these stories stealthily run through our thoughts creating our actions in the world and manifesting the life in which we currently live.
So even though you’re a hip 49-year-old Yogini living the modern day life of a 21st century woman, with the conscious intentions of a progressive and open minded individual, you are still branded with the cultural shadow that all women are battling with today – within themselves as much as within society.
It’s time to change your story.
And because we are all one united together in a collective field, it means that as we each do our own inner work, we also chip away at dismantling this cultural shadow that says women can’t explore sexuality.
It’s in your blood and breeding to be stuck there.
But notice how you used the word there… Instead of here… wording like that implies you aren’t in fact there at all. Your mind just needs to catch up with you, sister.
So, here’s a process for you to explore:
1. First, sit in meditation for a few minutes and bring your awareness to your breath.You might like to try this meditation by Sally Kempton.
Once you have dropped in, be present with the one within who clings to the fairy tale and love up on her sweet, deluded self. And I say “deluded” here, not to be mean, but because she is still living an old fashioned, outdated story, created by a patriarchy, that you not only no longer want, but it also no longer applies. Help her see that this story was so last century! And that for all women, it’s time to create a new story. But love up on her. Let her know she is wanted, that she is safe, that she is loved just the way she is. And that there is always plenty of room for improvement; not just in her sweet self, but in us all. You’ll notice that this part of you is younger than your chronological age also. So be kind to her, but strong too.
Write in your journal what comes up at this time. Write from the perspective of this younger you.
2. Then, sit with this Goddess practice and use it to access the Warrioress within you and through her. Perhaps you can find the one who wants a Lovership and let her speak now.
Ask her what a Lovership might look like. Journal what she wants.
Ask her what is it that is seeking to emerge through this body and through this mind at this time. How it is different to the belief system you were raised with?
Let her thoughts flow through your pen or onto the keyboard. Don’t worry about grammar or scripting. Just let her flow.
Now ask her how does the lover choose to show up through YOU in 2018? (Remind her it’s not 1818, or even 1918).
What is the NEW story you are now creating for yourself?
What do you really want in terms of relationship at this time?
What belief systems do you now choose to live by?
3. Now from this perspective, write to the younger you who has been clinging to the fairy tale of romantic relationship. Recognize that this is just one level of relationship, and that there are many more ways to be in relationship that you would now like to explore. Share with her what you have learned from the above exploration.
You can have a conversation back and forth, sharing each perspective. You might even like to write as the lover with your dominant hand and then respond as the younger you with your non-dominant hand.
Once you can connect more clearly with the belief systems that are running your life, and evolve their story to one that will serve you better, you’ll find you are being cleared out for a new story to emerge. And that, when you let go into the new flow, all sorts of wonderful, bold, rich, and surprising ways of being emerge.
May the force be with you, sister!