The Self-Compassion Cheat Sheet
One of the hurdles most of us run into when trying to become more self-compassionate is not knowing what “self-compassion” looks like. If you’ve ever been in a situation where English isn’t the preferred language, you’ve likely experienced having trouble finding the words to ask for/express/get what you want. Without language, it’s pretty difficult to communicate. You find yourself gesturing and pointing and feeling distressed and frustrated. So, when you’re in the process of changing your relationship to yourself, you’ll likely experience similar feelings. Remember trying to learn French or Spanish or Japanese or ASL? It didn’t come naturally; it was foreign.
For many people, the language of self-compassion is foreign. It feels weird, forced, confusing, even anxiety-provoking. But, similar to the way a new language comes more and more naturally with practice, reinforcement, and time, the language of self-compassion is the same way.
A formula I follow with myself and with my clients is as follows:
1. Empathize with your feelings
“It’s understandable that I’m feeling (insert feeling here) because (reason as to why it makes sense you are feeling that way).” Remember, this is focused on your perception. It doesn’t matter if after the fact you learn something that would have made you feel differently in the moment had you known it then. We are looking at empathizing with the feelings you are experiencing right now.
2. Explain the behavior
“It’s understandable that I (behavior you are judging, if there is one) because (reason anyone else in your shoes might have done the same thing/made the same ‘mistake,’ etc.) I’m not condoning my behavior, nor am I saying I want it to happen again. However, I accept that it has happened, that I am an imperfect human being programmed to err. I can either beat myself up, or I can recognize the value in my intentions, and choose to learn and grow from where I believe I screwed up.” Note that you are not finding a scapegoat or “making up excuses;” rather, you are recognizing the external and contextual factors that contributed to whatever you’re being hard on yourself about.
3. Acknowledge what you did do well
Don’t immediately dismiss this step and say “Nothing.” If you really can’t think of anything after an honest effort, acknowledge that something you did well was become aware something occurred that does not align with your values. Awareness is the first step in change. So, “Something I still did well was ______________.”
4. Acknowledge how you’d want things to be different next time
“Something I’d like to do differently, if I find myself in a similar experience again is ______________.” This allows us to learn from our behavior, and integrate our knowledge into a concrete, tangible change piece.
5. Find the positive
“In addition to this experience being illuminating for me due to the learning it’s provided, a positive that might come of this/has come of this is ______________.” What opportunities does this situation allow for? We all know a form of the Helen Keller quote, “When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we neglect to see the one that’s opened for us.” You might not be able to see a concrete positive just yet, but consider possibilities that might arise. Trust that something will come of it.
6. Cultivate a compassionate image
Imagine in a person or being in your life whom you have shown compassion and/or who has shown you compassion. Perhaps it’s your grandmother, your god, or your dog. Imagine what it’s like to give compassion to them, and imagine what it’s like to receive it. Thinking of this might lead you to feel vulnerable. Breathe into that softened, vulnerable place with warmth and love.
7. Find compassion for yourself
What would I say to a friend in this situation? Say it.
8. Find some more compassion for yourself
What would I say to my son or daughter in this situation? Say it. This might be very similar to what you might say to a friend, but for some people it helps them access a compassion they might not have been able to otherwise.
Give it a try (if you’re like many of us, there’s no shortage of situations you can practice). The critic in you will tell you nothing good could possibly come of your experience, or that you’re making up excuses for your behavior; but remember that as you’re likely fluent in the language of self-criticism, learning the language of self-compassion won’t make you forget how to be hard on yourself. Self-compassion is simply a tool you can add to your vocabulary so you can have the choice to use it when it will serve you better (which I think is pretty much always, but I’m a bit biased!). That’s your homework until our next Self-Compassion 101 class.
About the Author
Saluting the Sun, Honoring the Moon
“The beauty you see in me is a reflection of you.” – Vanna Bonta
If there is one thing about travel that really puts the ache in my bones, it’s being out of sync with the clock. The symptoms of such an imbalance can turn into a bad habit that zaps my energy and turns road-weary adventures into tropical torture.
So when I discovered the amazing yoga practice that has allowed me to sync with the waxing and waning of the moon as I trot merrily around the globe, I knew I had to share it with the world.
Most of the yoga classes I’ve been to have taught some form of hatha yoga, and it was in the balanced energies of this practice that I found my adventurer’s equilibrium. The word hatha is a combination of the Sanskrit words ‘ha’ and ‘tha’ which mean “the sun” and “the moon” respectively. And the literal translation of the word pays homage to “the force” that unites the two heavenly bodies.
For a traveler (or anyone sensitive to the changing of the seasons), there is a need to acknowledge these sources of light and transformation in a very real and physical way.
The Sun
Patterning your life around the rise and set of the sun is the most powerful way I know to overcome jet lag, deal with seasonal affective disorder, and really get to know the natural world you’re living in. On a recent trip to the Hridaya yoga retreat in Mexico, I was especially challenged to reset my inner clock when daylight savings time began three days into a 10-day silent meditation!
Here are a few things I do when I really need to kick-start that circadian rhythm:
Wake with the sun.
Even if you go back to bed for three more hours, take a few minutes to get up and see the sky beginning to lighten. Make a cup of tea, or sit and write down your dreams. For me, this is a great time to spend a few moments in meditation, setting my intentions for the day, then getting warmed up with some sun salutations.
Turn the screens off after dark.
The best way to get your stress under control and regulate your sleep patterns is to avoid sources of blue light after the sun goes down. Turn the cell phones and computers and TVs off. Eat dinner by candlelight if you want to go all in. Read with a lantern. Gaze at the stars. Enjoy the evening.
This simple change can completely reset the way your body deals with stress hormones, regulating your metabolism and helping you get better, more restful sleep. And if you can’t give up the screen for the enter twilight, install a program like Flux to limit your blue light exposure.
Spend some time outside.
If you burn easily, go for indirect sunlight for a spot in the shade, but do your best to get some real sunlight on your skin, get that surge of vitamin D and really breathe the warmth and strength of the sun into your solar plexus. Spend some time focusing on the projective powers of your body and mind. How do you show up in the world? What do you manifest?
The Moon
Don’t forget that there is more to your body’s cycles than your daily routine and the seasons of the year. Just as the moon waxes and wanes, controlling the tides, the energies of the lunar aspects turn inward and outward in an endless orbit.
Look outside to look inside.
One of the best ways to spend your evenings (now that they’re internet-free, right?) is to pay attention to the movement of the stars and the moon. Think about your introspective powers. How well do you know your own mind and emotions?
Wax and wane with the moon.
As the moon waxes, think about how you might grow certain aspects of your inner self. When the moon is full, celebrate those changes. A waning sliver represents a time to consider bad habits to break or old patters to leave behind. On the dark moon, we are reborn. Who do you want to be when the new moon appears again?
Incorporate the moon into your practice.
Bring these energies into your meditation and asana practice. Allow your mind to open to these two aspects of yourself as if they are two parts of your breath. Breathe in your intentions and desires, breathe out the force of your will to make it happen.
What practices do you use to get grounded in a new location or to get you in tune with the environment and the seasons in natural world around you?
Leave a comment or drop me a line and let me know!
