The Self-Compassion Cheat Sheet
One of the hurdles most of us run into when trying to become more self-compassionate is not knowing what “self-compassion” looks like. If you’ve ever been in a situation where English isn’t the preferred language, you’ve likely experienced having trouble finding the words to ask for/express/get what you want. Without language, it’s pretty difficult to communicate. You find yourself gesturing and pointing and feeling distressed and frustrated. So, when you’re in the process of changing your relationship to yourself, you’ll likely experience similar feelings. Remember trying to learn French or Spanish or Japanese or ASL? It didn’t come naturally; it was foreign.
For many people, the language of self-compassion is foreign. It feels weird, forced, confusing, even anxiety-provoking. But, similar to the way a new language comes more and more naturally with practice, reinforcement, and time, the language of self-compassion is the same way.
A formula I follow with myself and with my clients is as follows:
1. Empathize with your feelings
“It’s understandable that I’m feeling (insert feeling here) because (reason as to why it makes sense you are feeling that way).” Remember, this is focused on your perception. It doesn’t matter if after the fact you learn something that would have made you feel differently in the moment had you known it then. We are looking at empathizing with the feelings you are experiencing right now.
2. Explain the behavior
“It’s understandable that I (behavior you are judging, if there is one) because (reason anyone else in your shoes might have done the same thing/made the same ‘mistake,’ etc.) I’m not condoning my behavior, nor am I saying I want it to happen again. However, I accept that it has happened, that I am an imperfect human being programmed to err. I can either beat myself up, or I can recognize the value in my intentions, and choose to learn and grow from where I believe I screwed up.” Note that you are not finding a scapegoat or “making up excuses;” rather, you are recognizing the external and contextual factors that contributed to whatever you’re being hard on yourself about.
3. Acknowledge what you did do well
Don’t immediately dismiss this step and say “Nothing.” If you really can’t think of anything after an honest effort, acknowledge that something you did well was become aware something occurred that does not align with your values. Awareness is the first step in change. So, “Something I still did well was ______________.”
4. Acknowledge how you’d want things to be different next time
“Something I’d like to do differently, if I find myself in a similar experience again is ______________.” This allows us to learn from our behavior, and integrate our knowledge into a concrete, tangible change piece.
5. Find the positive
“In addition to this experience being illuminating for me due to the learning it’s provided, a positive that might come of this/has come of this is ______________.” What opportunities does this situation allow for? We all know a form of the Helen Keller quote, “When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we neglect to see the one that’s opened for us.” You might not be able to see a concrete positive just yet, but consider possibilities that might arise. Trust that something will come of it.
6. Cultivate a compassionate image
Imagine in a person or being in your life whom you have shown compassion and/or who has shown you compassion. Perhaps it’s your grandmother, your god, or your dog. Imagine what it’s like to give compassion to them, and imagine what it’s like to receive it. Thinking of this might lead you to feel vulnerable. Breathe into that softened, vulnerable place with warmth and love.
7. Find compassion for yourself
What would I say to a friend in this situation? Say it.
8. Find some more compassion for yourself
What would I say to my son or daughter in this situation? Say it. This might be very similar to what you might say to a friend, but for some people it helps them access a compassion they might not have been able to otherwise.
Give it a try (if you’re like many of us, there’s no shortage of situations you can practice). The critic in you will tell you nothing good could possibly come of your experience, or that you’re making up excuses for your behavior; but remember that as you’re likely fluent in the language of self-criticism, learning the language of self-compassion won’t make you forget how to be hard on yourself. Self-compassion is simply a tool you can add to your vocabulary so you can have the choice to use it when it will serve you better (which I think is pretty much always, but I’m a bit biased!). That’s your homework until our next Self-Compassion 101 class.
About the Author
Women's Circles: A Complete Guide to Getting Started
Women’s circles provide a safe environment where women can connect deeply, share their stories and support each other. These spaces facilitate personal and spiritual growth through connection and sharing of experiences. In this article we explore what women’s circles are, their purpose and how they can transform lives.
Table of Contents
- What Are Women's Circles and How Do They Work?
- The Purpose of Women's Circles
- How Women's Circles Are Structured
- Common Topics Shared in Women's Circles
- Who Can Facilitate a Women's Circle?
- The Origin and History of Women's Circles
What Are Women’s Circles and How Do They Work?
A women’s circle is a gathering of women who congregate to support each other, share experiences and work together on their personal and spiritual growth. These circles can take various shapes and sizes, but all share the common goal of providing a safe and supportive space where women can express themselves freely and without judgment.
These gatherings often include practices that foster connection and healing, such as guided meditations, symbolic rituals and creative activities. Women’s circles are based on trust and confidentiality, creating an environment where each participant feels heard and valued.
The Purpose of Women’s Circles
The primary purpose of a women’s circle is to provide a space where women can explore and develop their personal and collective power. These circles foster deep connection and emotional support, helping participants feel more connected to themselves and to each other.
In addition, women’s circles seek to promote healing and empowerment. By sharing their stories and experiences, women can release repressed emotions and find comfort in the solidarity of the group. This process of sharing and listening allows participants to heal emotional wounds and strengthen their resilience.
How Women’s Circles Are Structured
Women’s circles develop through a well-defined structure that allows participants to connect and share effectively. This structure can vary, but generally includes specific stages that facilitate the flow of the meeting and ensure that all participants have the opportunity to express themselves.
- Welcome and Opening: Begin with an introduction and a brief meditation or breathing exercise to center the group. This initial moment sets a tone of calm and connection.
- Sharing in a circle: Each woman has the opportunity to speak while the others listen attentively and without interruption. This is a key moment for personal expression and mutual support.
- Core activity: A specific activity such as a ritual, a guided meditation practice, or a group dynamic can be included. These activities foster connection and personal growth.
- Closing and reflection: The circle ends with a group reflection where participants share their experiences and learning. This closing helps to integrate what was experienced during the meeting and to strengthen the sense of community.
Common Topics Shared in Women’s Circles
The topics of conversation in a women’s circle are deeply intimate and reflect the personal and collective experiences of the participants. These topics allow women to connect at deep levels, sharing and healing together their most significant stories and emotions.
- Life stories and trauma: Women share their life stories, including traumatic events that have shaped who they are today. This exchange promotes empathy and mutual understanding. Talking about these issues in a safe environment helps heal deep emotional wounds.
- Motherhood and Fertility: Experiences related to motherhood are discussed, including the challenges of fertility and loss. Women share their joys and sorrows related to motherhood. This topic creates a supportive space for those seeking or experiencing motherhood.
- Body and sexuality: Conversations revolve around body acceptance and exploration of sexuality. Participants share their experiences and challenges in these areas, promoting a positive and healthy view of sexuality. This topic helps to break taboos and encourage self-acceptance.
- Complex family relationships: Women address difficult family dynamics and how these have influenced their lives. Strategies for managing toxic relationships and finding inner peace are discussed. This topic is vital to understanding and healing the roots of many emotional conflicts.
- Violence and abuse: A safe space is created for women to talk about experiences of violence and abuse they have suffered. Sharing these stories allows them to release their pain and find support and solidarity. This topic is crucial for empowerment and the recovery of personal autonomy.
- Dreams and aspirations: Women discuss their personal and professional dreams and goals. Sharing these aspirations allows them to receive support and motivation from the group. This topic helps participants visualize and work toward a desired future.
Who Can Facilitate a Women’s Circle?
Any woman with a desire to create a safe and supportive space for other women can facilitate a women’s circle. No specific training is necessary, although leadership skills and empathy are beneficial. The facilitator must be able to maintain order, encourage participation and ensure that all voices are heard.
The facilitator should also be aware of the importance of confidentiality and trust within the circle. Creating an environment in which all participants feel comfortable sharing their stories and emotions is crucial to the success of the group. The facilitator should be a supportive figure, guiding the discussions so that everyone feels valued and respected.
The Origin and History of Women’s Circles
Women’s circles have their roots in ancient community traditions that valued the power of the female gathering for healing and shared wisdom. In many indigenous cultures, women gathered regularly to share knowledge, perform rituals and support each other in their roles within the community. These gatherings were essential to the social and spiritual well-being of the group.
Over time, these practices have evolved and adapted to modern contexts. During the feminist movement of the 1970s, women’s circles re-emerged as spaces of empowerment and resistance. Women began to meet to discuss their experiences and fight for their rights, creating a critical support network for the movement.
Today, women’s circles continue to be a vital space for connection and personal growth. They are held all over the world, in both urban and rural settings, and cover a wide range of topics and approaches. From spiritual development to emotional support, these circles offer a haven where women can explore and celebrate their collective identity and strength.
These spaces not only allow us to share stories and experiences, but also to build a supportive community. Women’s circles provide a place where understanding, empathy and healing are fostered, continually adapting to the needs and challenges of women in every era and culture.
