Loving Without Attachment to the Ego
This is a nice idea, certainly one encouraged by the yogic philosophy, yet we may not have an idea of what it really involves. As a therapist and yoga teacher, it has been rare to come across people who are interested in letting go of attachment to the ego. In a way, we enjoy the stories and dramas created by ego, and then other days, (when you have acted out the same patterned behavior for the millionth time), we hate it!
If you ask inside, “Do I really want to love without ego?”, and YES! comes from inside your being, (not from the head), then go for it. If it is your heart’s desire to love and experience relationship in this way, you must follow it! Otherwise, feel free to stay in ego love, watch it, and enjoy it. Practice observation of the projections of love, i.e. loving the projected mother or father, or loving the reflection of your perfect self or most hated self. There are lots of themes of ego love that can be quite dramatic, engaging, and chaotic. These games can serve as opportunities to learn a great deal about oneself. Enjoy the opportunity.
Even if one doesn’t really know how to love without attachment to ego, (like me, I’m learning as I go), if we remain committed to the intention, the heart will continue to expand and ego will continue to dissolve.
My elementary understanding of what comprises a tantric relationship is where I am committed to loving another from my Pure Heart rather than the small ego, remembering the other as the Beloved rather than as their small ego, and choosing to act with love in every moment with the other. How fantastic! And how utterly challenging.
In my explorations with sacred relationship, here’s the how tos I’ve discovered so far.
5 Tips for How to Love Fully without attachment to the Ego
- Get to know your ego, make friends with it, understand and accept its existence within you
- Commit to a consistent meditative and breath practice so your ability to witness your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with some distance increases.
- Every time you notice the ego tempting you to put up walls of fear, resistance and judgement towards another, look within yourself to see what you are not content with within your own being.
- Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others. Share your ego and its’ fears.
- Share love whenever you remember. With your partner, your children, your friends, a stranger, a collegue, the Existence around you….in the most subtle ways we can share love and expand the energy of the heart. With some this may be a smile, a silent prayer, with others it may be sharing attention, listening, playing, giving something, cooking, writing a letter, massaging, holding a hand, a phone call, singing, dancing, creating, whenever you remember, share your love. This consistent remembering to take action from the heart (when it’s not an obligation!), expands consciousness and diminishes unconsciousness (ego).
Experiment and enjoy!
About the Author
Thich Nhat Hanh: Buddhist Master of Mindfulness, Miracles & Peace
Known as “Thay” in the western hemisphere, Thich Nhat Hanh is a poet, scholar, Zen Master, and lovely human being. He is also the father of “Engaged Buddhism,” a movement that brings together practical Buddhist wisdom, social activism, and mindfulness.
Thay is a global phenomenon and a gentle, inspirational friend to all. His tireless efforts as a teacher of Buddhadharma have alleviated the pain and suffering of millions of people across the globe. His beautiful lectures, meditations, and bestselling books have inspired countless followers to seek the light within, and find peace.
Thay was born as Nguyen Xuan Bao, in the city of Quang Ngai, Vietnam, in 1926. By age 16, he was a novice monk at Từ Hiếu Temple, in Hue City, which is where he was given his name, Thich Nhat Hanh.
Thay was the first monk to be seen regularly riding a bicycle in public and one of a handful of monks who saw serving humanity to be a form of meditation.
“There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
Thay graduated from Báo Quốc Buddhist Academy and received extensive training in Mahayana Buddhism and (Vietnamese) Thiền “Zen” Buddhism. Soon after, he became a Bhikkhu, a fully ordained male, monastic, Buddhist monk.
To Thay, everything is a meditation: eating, walking, seeing, speaking, breathing, and relating. With each step and each breath, we can either inch away from the depth of ourselves or be fully present to our peacefulness. In every moment, we have an opportunity to decide the fate of the next.
Thich Nhat Hanh has been continually involved in the peace and nonviolence movements since his early days at Từ Hiếu. He believes veganism is vital to saving the planet and that nonviolence toward animals will inspire a more profound peace and improve the natures of our souls.
“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
