The Meaning of Life Experiment; The Age When You’ll Find Purpose
The calendar has turned the page and we find ourselves facing a brand new year and decade. So many of us take this annual ritual as a signal to assess our life’s purpose and meaning. The very question of the meaning of life has captivated human existence from the very beginning, from philosophy to religion, to science, and metaphysics. But now a scientific study has determined the average age at which people say they believe they’ve found some meaning,
In a 2009 psychological test called “The Meaning of Life Questionnaire,” over 8000 participants displayed two very different scores – the first being how hard the participants felt they were searching for a sense of meaning, or purpose, and the second score showing whether the participants believe they’d found it. The results? The harder participants looked for meaning, the lower their happiness and life satisfaction were rated.
There is no one meaning per se; the meaning of life is both a universal and individual quest and one that is ever-changing. As researchers have discovered, the meaning of life is not a single, specific goal we aim to reach, but a continual striving that we fine-tune and evaluate, transforming as we grow and age.
Searching For Meaning in Life: The Secret to Aging Wisely
Our society is hyper-focused on all the ways we can stay young, from spending hours to the gym, eating the latest health food craze, undergoing plastic surgery, or even reprogramming our DNA. But what if the secret to aging well isn’t about turning back the clock, but instead embracing the wisdom that comes with aging with meaning? A group of psychiatrists at the University of California, San Diego are working to pinpoint the age humans are most likely to find one’s purpose or meaning in life and the results may or may not be surprising.
A cohort of over 1000 people, aged 21 to 100, was interviewed and the results show that we begin to feel our life has meaning by the age of sixty. In fact, according to the study, published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, “the search for meaning is often at its lowest, and the ‘presence’ of meaning is at its highest.” When asked what constitutes meaning or purpose, researchers at the UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center suggested that you cultivate the following:
- Positive self-image
- Authentic relationships
- Long-term, meaningful goals
- Contributing to society
- Community
- Engagement in creativity
- Reading books
- Gratitude
- Adaptability
- Altruism
Okay, Boomer: How Millennials Can Learn From Their Elders
When we’re younger, our lives are often looked at as a wide-open book; the world and all its possibilities seem vast and endless. This state of flux, from friendships to jobs, to where we live and how we make our way in the world, is this generation’s norm. These are the years where society expects us to be finding ourselves.
But at a certain point, society expects us to “settle down” in the form of a defined career, a stable relationship, etc. Does this stability translate into the search for meaning being over? Or is this very human desire to understand and live our purpose develop, shift, and transform as we age?
Scientists have discovered while the quest for purpose is natural, not finding it by a certain age can have detrimental impacts on our health and well-being. In other words, searching for the meaning of life is a natural and positive aspect of our lifelong developmental growth and can result in a higher index of connection, meaning or purpose, and health.
Intentionally striving for life’s purpose can be viewed as an advanced human ability, one that is deeply rooted in our patterns of life. Oftentimes, we focus on the negative patterns that might be inhibiting our personal growth, and while recognizing this is important, it’s also critical to take stock of the ways our inherent desire for meaning develops.
What are some of the secrets to finding meaning in one’s life as we age into our 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond? Sometimes it’s as simple as establishing the rules for your own life or stepping outside of your comfort zone. This is why “60 is the new 40” is redefining aging because so many baby boomers are defying traditional ideas through second (or third) careers, healthy living, and living with the purpose that other generations can learn from.
While it might sound odd, incorporating the act of failing, especially as we age, can also heighten the sense of meaning in your life, as can consciously directing your energy to what brings you joy. These acts do many things, including developing and honing one’s sense of self-awareness and intuition, two key components of finding purpose in one’s life.
How Do You Find Meaning in Life: The Why of What We Do
One of the key life areas that receive the most energy in our search for meaning is in the work we do, or the career choices we make. From an early age we’re asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” and the focus on career-centric choices from high school to universities is pervasive.
But what if these questions were also asked – why do you want to be that, or how do you want your work-life to look like? Perhaps if we began asking those questions of younger people as they embark on their pre-career studies, the search for meaning in their life might be more focused, and yes, meaning-full.
Leading experts in the area of work and meaning agree that understanding the “why” of work can help to infuse our nine-to-five existence with a deeper sense of purpose. After all, we spend an inordinate amount of time in our work-life; one that is centered on a shared sense of purpose, personal growth, and positive engagement make going to work all the more meaningful and lead to being part of what authors David and Wendy Ulrich define as an abundant organization.
But what if work doesn’t define your life’s meaning? After all, the average working person can change jobs every three to four years and therefore have a number of careers over their working life. If this is you, focusing on the “how” of work can help to define life’s meaning, and can allow for a sense of autonomy in which work serves to support one’s larger purpose or creative endeavors.
Finding Your Way Toward Meaning
Many are overwhelmed at the idea of finding meaning in their life; they feel it is beyond their budget, or time, or lifestyle. However, as the saying goes, the journey begins with one step. Try this simple mental exercise to help define what matters to you, adapted from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
All you need is a piece of paper, a pen or pencil, and time for yourself. Create a list of the different areas of your life, such as relationships, jobs, education, spirituality, health, family, and recreation. Using a scale from 1 (not important) to 5 (most important), evaluate each item on the list as to the level of importance it holds for you.
After you’ve defined two or three most important things on your list, take some time to write out your relationship to those items and how you would like to find more meaning in them. It’s important to take your time with this exercise – remember, Rome and the meaning of your life weren’t built in a day and the cultivation of patience is one of the most critical parts of discovering, refining, and living with purpose. If writing is not your process, try sitting in stillness while listening to any of the many free guided meditations available online.
Writing not your thing? Try Ashok Gupta’s “Meaning of Life” free meditations, ten and twenty minute guided apps and daily teaching videos that can help support one’s search for a purpose by relaxing the listener’s nervous system. Gupta is the creator of the Gupta Program for Health and Happiness, a neuroplasticity training program for those living with persistent health and well-being issues including fibromyalgia, anxiety, chronic fatigue and more. Gupta has expanded this program, which has assisted those suffering from these conditions achieve a better quality of life and applied it to the search for a more meaningful life itself.
Finding Purpose; The Truest Expression of Being Human
The study exposes a paradox in how we search for meaning and suggests that a more subtle approach could be the answer. Psychiatrists define this as the presence of meaning and the search for meaning. Chronically ill patients were studied over a period of time for how they successfully coped with their ongoing health conditions. The study showed that those who experienced what can be viewed as having a positive presence of meaning had a higher quality of life than those who were in a constant search for meaning.
Rather than making the search about finding meaning, experts have turned to Viktor Frankl as a model for how to live a life of meaning. Frankl, a World War II Holocaust survivor, wrote extensively on how he was able to emerge from the horrific experience that took the life of so many, including his wife and mother. He realized that focusing on finding meaning and purpose was the antidote to suffering and became his life’s mission — to help others discover their purpose, through finding beauty, and engaging in meaningful relationships and endeavors.
Frankl’s model, as well as many others, have provided important life lessons — that by consciously choosing to live with purpose and meaning we not only improve the quality of our lives, but of those around us. The Buddha is quoted as saying, “your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.” It seems to be a very worthy resolution as we enter into 2020.
About the Author
7 Tools for Managing Overwhelming Emotions
Let’s face it – sometimes emotions get the best of us. Once we are triggered, it is tough to be in pain and not do something that essentially makes it worse. It’s much easier to numb the pain temporarily, but unfortunately those coping methods tend to have negative consequences. Basically, we get into the habit of choosing short-term symptom relief rather than addressing the core issue. You know what I’m talking about. How many of you have used alcohol to cope with your feelings of stress or sadness? How many of you ended up in much worse pain the next day or, worse, by the end of the night in tears in front of people you don’t quite trust?
Other popular unhealthy coping methods include: TV, drugs, sex, cigarettes, food, gambling, prescription pills, and the ever so popular sweeping-it-under-the-rug method. I must admit these methods are very tempting, but we all know how they end. What’s worse is that we still engage in these behaviors. Why?! Well for one, these unhealthy solutions work very well in the immediate. The second reason is that they are much easier to engage in and usually come with pleasure.
What are we hiding from, though? It’s funny, but when you think about it, we are only hiding from negative emotion. What’s an emotion? Is it going to kill us? Is it going to last forever? Sometimes emotions can feel that they are going to last forever, but the answer is no. All emotions crescendo and then dissipate. They imitate movement like a sign curve. Keeping this in mind would make it a lot easier to navigate our emotions. In order to deal with overwhelming emotions it is helpful to have a tool belt to reach for in times of distress. Here are a few of these less dangerous, and unfortunately, less fun, ways of dealing with these pesky negative emotions:
- Put it in perspective
Sometimes when you take a step back and think about what is really important to you, the problem that you think you are experiencing becomes very small. Ask yourself, “Will I still be in this much pain in one week? A month? One year from now? Will I remember this as significant? When I die do I want to remember this as something I spent a lot of time on?
Death is the ultimate teacher. Life is precious because it is limited. Nothing is worth sacrificing our happiness for. Nothing. It is impossible to control outside events that cause disturbance within, but it is completely in our control to either hang on or let it go. When we cling or feed the negative emotion, it robs us of our limited time on this planet. You are not your thoughts, your emotions, your body, or your things. Do not let death teach you this at the last minute.
- Engage in an act of self love
Many people understand being physically ill and respect it as painful. If you get sick, oftentimes your loved ones will tell you, “You poor thing. Go home and take a hot bath!” But there is a double standard when it comes to being in pain from emotions. If you don’t feel well emotionally, it can be tough to find an empathetic ear. We all get scared to share our emotions at times. We are ultimately afraid to hear, “Suck it up or get over it.” These words do more harm than good. If you are not feeling well emotionally, I challenge you to engage in acts of self-love as if you were physically ill. Go home. Take a hot bath. Sleep. You never know, it might make you feel a little better to take care of yourself. The idea would be to soothe with the 5 senses. Find activities that are soothing to your each of your senses:
- Sight: Look at the sunset
- Sound: Listen to relaxing music
- Touch: Get a massage or go to yoga
- Smell: Aromatherapy in a nice hot bath
- Taste: Eat something that brings up good memories or give yourself that treat you love!
- Put a time limit on it
When we are hurt it is so easy to get lost in the rabbit hole. In the rabbit hole we become the emotions and thoughts that are plaguing us. We ruminate and get lost in trying to solve a problem that is unsolvable. We feed the emotion by believing the catastrophic thoughts that come up like, “I hate him and myself for trusting him. He never liked me and was just using me the whole time. I never want to see him again. I am going to call his parents and tell them what a bad person he is.”
Instead of letting these thoughts come and go we might actually act on them. We feel so horrible that we avoid people, stay in bed for weeks at a time, drink too much, or eat too much. In order to avoid this, put a time limit on it. Tell yourself that you are going to think or talk about this problem for only one hour a day until it is resolved or you come to acceptance. Once the hour is over, choose an activity that is the opposite of the emotion you are feeling to change your mood.
If you are sad, listen to happy music. If there is anger, watch a comedy on TV. If you are stressed and tense, go take a yoga class. Everyone deserves a break from time to time. Do not let one area of your life that is causing you pain engulf your entire world. You have the ultimate control over your happiness.
- Let the negative energy pass through you
Negative emotion is just negative energy. It does not help to squash it down, numb it or avoid it. The only way, is to face it head on and allow it to pass through you. This takes some bravery on your part. You must allow yourself to feel the pain. There are some tools that can help while you do this. You can allow yourself to get the support you need. Oftentimes, it is very difficult to be vulnerable and admit to others that you are having a hard time. In order to move the negative energy through your body it helps to talk to another trusted person. You can also release the energy by exercising, writing in a journal, or simply relaxing your body and letting your preconceived notions of how it “should” be, go.
- Observe the emotion
You are not the emotion or your thoughts. You can take a step back and witness what your thoughts and emotions do when there is a disturbance. Watch the thoughts or self-talk get faster as they ask you to fix them before they become abusive. Watch the emotion crescendo and dissipate. Do not avoid. Avoidance makes the emotion and the thoughts louder. Allow yourself to have the emotion, don’t fight it, and don’t escalate it by falling down the rabbit hole and attaching to the thoughts. Eventually it will pass. You do not really need to do anything for the pain to subside. It will on its own.
By this, I do not mean that you should not deal with your problems. By all means take care of yourself and your responsibilities. Just do not make decisions when you are in a heightened state. Wait until the emotion passes and then solve the problem. You will be able to see much clearer once the intensity has lessened.
- Delay, distract, and then decide
This tool, created by Marsha Linehan, is useful in order to inhibit negative reaction to a negative emotion. Many times, if we make a decision in the emotion it will make it worse. Basically, any negative urge or craving lasts for about 20 to 30 minutes. Help yourself by delaying your reaction and any subsequent actions for 20 to 30 minutes with a distraction.
You can go to work, help someone else, go for a walk, take a break from the trigger, read, or watch a movie. Once the time is up, make a pros and cons list as to whether your reaction is worth doing. Usually you will decide not to react the original way you had planned. For instance, slashing your boyfriend’s tires out because he lied to you probably won’t seem like such a good idea once some of the anger has passed.
- Become aware of your physical and emotional vulnerabilities
Sometimes our emotions can get the best of us when we are not feeling well. Become aware of your triggers. Ask yourself if you have any physical or emotional vulnerabilities that are getting in the way of managing your emotions. Some of these vulnerabilities are: hunger, lack of sleep, injury, illness, stress, lack of support, crisis, past trauma, negative core beliefs, etc. If you notice that the current problem is escalated due to one or more of these factors you may want to try to take care of the vulnerability first in order to prevent and manage the escalation of your emotion.
Embrace Your Emotions
My wish for us all is to start viewing negative emotion as an opportunity to practice these new skills rather than allowing the emotion to be a threat to our self-concept or survival. We do not have to fight and we do not need to flee (run or avoid). I hope that one or more of these resonates with you, and the next time you are in the emotion, you can remember to pull this list out of your wallet. Remember that it will pass, it is ok to have the emotion, and above all else you don’ t necessarily need to do anything. Let go and let it pass through you, because it will!
If you would like to learn more please visit or contact me at Good Therapy San Diego.
This article was inspired by The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
